Oh No! Not Another Bad RHr Romance!
by FishOutOfWater
Summary: A parody of poorly written, cliche Ron/Hermione romances. Also pokes a bit of fun at Draco/Harry on the side. Dedicated to both H/Hr fans and any 'shipper who hates cliche romance tales!


**Ron N' Hermiones Sweeet Luv**  
  
_AKA..._  
  
**Oh no! Not Another Bad R/Hr Romance!**  


  
**Categories:** Parody, Humor, Romance  
**Summary:** A parody of the most cliche, poorly written Ron/Hermione romances. Also pokes a bit of fun at Draco/Harry on the side.  
**Disclaimer:** Since Ron/Hermione is not a couple I normally like, it's easy for me to poke fun at them. However, this is only meant to make fun of poorly written R/Hr romances. There are plenty of well-written ones around that make the couple plausible (I've actually enjoyed may of them), and this fic is not meant to insult those fics. So sit back, relax, enjoy, and do your best not to be offended.  
**Rating: **PG-13  
  
***  
  
Hermione Granger skipped happily to platform 9 3/4, anticipating a brand new, exciting school year. However, she was excited for different reasons than in previous years. Before entering the train, Hermione flipped shining spray through her hair, which she had magically changed over the summer from frizzy to curly. Next, she examined herself through her little makeup mirror, making sure her several layers of perfectly applied makeup were still intact. Finally, she made sure the nose job, chin job, and breast implants she'd gotten hadn't melted or anything. It all looked good. With a smile, Hermione entered the train. Yes, she was a changed woman.  
  
She went down several cars, with many boys, even Slytherins, drooling noticeably at her as she went to find Ron and Harry. Finally, she found them in the back car.  
  
"Hello, boys," she said in her new sexy, sophisticated voice, thrusting her 38DD breasts in their faces. Ron, suddenly, was drooling uncontrollably at the beautifully developed Hermione. The still prepubescent Harry didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Um...w-who are you?" Ron sputtered out. Harry also had no sign of recognition on his face. Hermione gasped. They had no idea who she was!  
  
With a smile, Hermione said, "It's me, you guys! You know, your best pal, Hermione Granger!"  
  
Harry smiled. "Hermione!" he said, hugging her in a completely platonic and only friendly way. "Nice to see you again!"  
  
"H-h-h-hi," Ron sputtered out, wiping off more drool.  
  
"Well, it was nice talking to you guys, but I think one of my perfectly manicured nails just chipped," Hermione said, in dramatic annoyance. "Gotta go fix it up!" she ran to the bathroom.  
  
Ron looked at Harry and gasped. "Man, she sure changed over the summer!" he said to Harry.  
  
"Wait a minute, Hermione's a 'she'?" asked Harry, temporarily confused. He quickly recovered. "Oh...right. Yeah, she seemed more...girly."  
  
"Girly? Damn, she's a babe! I want her!" Ron crooned.  
  
"You just figured it out?" Harry asked. "You've wanted her since the Yule Ball last year! We all know you were jealous of Krum!"  
  
"Hmph, do not!" Ron protested in annoyance. He didn't like girls yet, did he? But man, she was hot.... Unable to deal with his feelings, he quickly changed the subject to the upcoming Quidditch season.  
  
*****  
  
It took Hermione the entire train ride to fix her poor nails, so she didn't see Ron and Harry again until they reached Hogwarts. When she caught up with them, she realized something. Ron had grown up! Yes, he'd grown a few inches over the summer, and he was looking more handsome and masculine by the day. And, wow...that red hair was soooo sexy! Why hadn't she noticed it before!  
  
"Um....Hermione?" Harry said, waving a hand in front of her face.  
  
"Err, sorry," Hermione replied, snapping out of her trance. They sat down together in the Great Hall, Hermione making sure she sat down next to Ron.  
  
"Students, welcome to the new Hogwarts' school year!" Dumbledore began, and droned on and on with insane blather.....   
  
Meanwhile, Hermione continued to look at Ron. Why had she never noticed his sexy, supple body and hair before? She had to touch him. Slowly, she brushed his fingers against hers. Zzzzing! An electricity stronger than magic cracked between them! "Wow," she whispered.  
  
"HEY!" Ron cried, causing Dumbledore to stop speaking. "Hermione, what are you trying to do to me?"  
  
"Um, I was just..." Hermione blushed.  
  
"You're trying to kill me!" he yelled, slapping her. "Bitch!"  
  
"Hey, you ruined my makeup!" Hermione cried, hitting him back.  
  
"I hate you!"  
  
"You're mean!" An all out fight began. Chants of "Fight, fight!" came from the Slytherin table. Harry stood with Seamus, Ginny, and Dean, watching as McGonnagall tried to separate them.  
  
"Man, it's so obvious," Seamus muttered to Harry and Dean.  
  
"What is?" asked Harry, confused.  
  
"They've always fought so much," he said. "You know what that means? They fight because they care about each other! They're in love!"  
  
"Wait, so everyone who fights is in love?" asked Ginny.  
  
"That's right!" Seamus said with a grin. "It's a rule. Boys pick on girls they like. It has to be the case! It's all sexual tension!"  
  
Despite not having reached puberty, Harry somehow understood. "Wow, it makes complete sense! They're MADE for each other! I just have to convince them!"  
  
"Wait, but you and I never fight, and we're meant for each other!" Ginny cried, looking at Harry tearfully. "Get a load of this!" She flashed her developing breasts at him.  
  
"Um, sorry Gin, but Seamus' theory is right," Harry said, patting her on the shoulder. "I can only like someone I fight with a lot!"  
  
"Get those wedding rings carved out for them!" Seamus said, laughing as they quieted down, the fighting finally coming to a close.  
  
***  
  
Later that evening, Ron walked into the Gryffindor common room, only to find it full of streamers and congratulations banners. "Um, what's going on?" he asked a first year standing near him.  
  
"We're preparing for the wedding!" she replied, excited.  
  
"Wait a minute! Wedding? What wedding?" Just then, Harry rushed over to him.  
  
"No, Ron, you aren't supposed to see this until you get married!" Harry said, annoyed. "Hermione's upstairs!"  
  
Ron, being dense, didn't quite get it. "Hermione's getting married? Um, to who?"  
  
"To you, duh!" Said Seamus, who'd also come.  
  
"Wait a minute, I'm not marrying Hermione!" Said Ron. "No way! I hate her!" Even if she's hot now, he thought to himself.  
  
"No you don't, you love her!" Harry countered. "You're always teasing her!"  
  
"And boy has she gotten hot over the summer!" said Seamus, whistling.  
  
"Ugh..." Ron squeaked out, running upstairs. In the process, he bumped into Hermione. "Hey! Don't bump into me!"  
  
"You bumped into me, Ron, and I think you ruined my nose job!"  
  
"You're trying to kill me!"  
  
"Oh boy!" Lavender squealed from upstairs. "It's the couple-to-be!"  
  
"What's this about us getting married, anyway?" Ron asked Hermione.  
  
"I don't know! Isn't is oh-sooooo-gross?" Hermione replied.  
  
"It's awful! We always fight! Why would we ever be in love?"  
  
"Beats me because we have nothing in common!"  
  
"Yeah, I mean, I like to help the house elves, and you're not into that!" Hermione began.  
  
"Plus, I like to sneak around, and that annoys you to death!" Ron continued.  
  
"Wait..." Hermione said, gasping for breath. "Also, how could we ever agree on anything as a married couple?"  
  
"Good points all!" Ron said, the two actually agreeing on something.  
  
"You're wrong!" Lavender called. "The fights are all sexual tension between you two! True love will prevail!" Ron and Hermione listened, ran to the bathroom together, and..............puked in their utter denial. (What did you think was going to happen?)  
  
Meanwhile, Harry was thinking to himself. So people in love liked to fight. Interesting...so where did that leave him? Who did he fight with? He thought about it a minute.....Oh my god, he thought. He began to run out of Gryffindor.  
  
"Wait, where are you going?" Seamus asked from behind a bunch of balloons.  
  
"To the Slytherin dorms!" Harry cried, gasping as he slammed the door shut. Seamus, who couldn't hear what he said, just shrugged and continued the preparations.  
  
***  
  
In the months leading up to the Yule Ball, the wedding preparations continued. However, Ron and Hermione continued to do nothing but fight. As the fighting got worse, Gryffindors became more and more satisfied, knowing Ron and Hermione's denial of their mutual love would end, and they would soon realize their romantic feelings.  
  
Some interesting things happened at Hogwarts during that time. The entire school, including the Slytherins, acknowledged that Hermione was more beautiful than Aphrodite and held a festival in her honor, where they all cried at her ethereal beauty. Hermione now primped more often than she studied; she truly was a changed woman. Her grades started to slip, but she was so beautiful that no one cared at all.  
  
Strange hookups also began appearing at Hogwarts. Snape and McGonnagall were seen heading off together into the woods, kissing passionately along the way. Hagrid began borrowing Tom Riddle's diary from Harry suspiciously often. Emma and Orin, Two Ravenclaw seventh years known for being grade-grubbing rivals to the extreme, began dating and were steamy exhibitionists to the extreme, who enjoyed having sex on the Quidditch 50 yard line. Then there were Harry's strange disappearances to the Slytherin dorm for nights at a time.  
  
The Yule Ball came up again in December, and Hermione at one moment secretly wanted to ask Ron and make sweet love to him, but then the next day she'd slap him and decide she hated him. To be on the safe side, she approached Harry one day about the subject (fortunately, he conveniently decided doing his homework for once would be better than sneaking off to Slytherin).  
  
"Hey Harry," she said, "Want to go to the Yule Ball with me?"  
  
"Um, sure," he replied. "This is a completely friendly and sex-free commitment, right?"  
  
"That's right!" Hermione said confidently, stroking her hair. "I know that you're prepubescent and fail to notice my amazing beauty, unlike other Hogwarts' males. Therefore, you're my perfect date."  
  
Harry smiled. "That's right. Our relationship is so entirely platonic and friendly that we'd never be able to love each other!"  
  
"Yeah, who ever heard of friends falling in love! Gross!"  
  
"Besides, I know you're in love with Ron and just afraid to admit it," said Harry knowingly. "The wedding awaits you."  
  
"I am not!" Hermione protested. Blushing, she ran upstairs, muttering, "See you at the Yule Ball." Did she love him? Or did she hate him? Or was that ever so cliche thin line blurring into complete, passionate, deep, true, splendid, amazing, sexy, beautiful love?  
  
In the meantime, Harry got up and went to Slytherin, ready to do some bickering of his own.  
  
***  
  
The night of the Yule Ball, everyone was partnered up with a "safe" partner who was not a romantic interest. Other than Harry and Hermione, Ron went with Hannah Abbot, a kind Hufflepuff, Seamus went with Lavender, Ginny with Dean Thomas, and Draco with Pansy.  
  
For the most part, Ron was having a good time with Hannah, who had turned into a kind and understanding, completely platonic friend. They shared many platonic dances together...but Ron felt himself missing the passion he felt when he fought with Hermione.  
  
At the same time, Hermione was doing similar things with Harry, and they shared several dances. However, she, too, found herself wishing she had gone with Ron. "You know what, Hermione?" Harry whispered.  
  
"What?" she asked, curious.  
  
"I've decided to completely drop off the face of the planet and leave the dance early," Harry replied.  
  
"Really?" asked Hermione. Yes, she thought, now's my chance with Ron!  
  
"Oh, and look, Hannah appears to also be leaving!" Harry exclaimed. "This is such a beautiful, obvious, and cliche setup!" With that, he ran away, noticing Pansy had decided to drop of the face of the earth, too.  
  
With Hannah gone, Ron found himself gravitating toward Hermione. She felt the attraction, too, and attributed it to that metallic connection they'd felt at the beginning of the year when they'd brushed fingers.  
  
"Hey Ron," Hermione said, making sure her makeup and fake chin were ready for kissing.  
  
"Hey Hermione," he responded. In front of everyone, the sexual tension was growing rapidly!  
  
"Argh, what are you doing here?" asked Ron.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Hermione snapped back, annoyed. Both loved each other, but neither understood how to express their sexual feelings except argue.  
  
"You're trying to piss me off!"  
  
"No, you're torturing me!" They walked closer together, hurling insults at each other all the time. Suddenly, they got so close together, they could barely breathe and could no longer resist their metallic connection!  
  
At the same time, they both suddenly reached for the others' lips, and started passionately making out for several minutes. It finally ended, and Hermione flung her beautiful, tanned, toned arms around Ron.  
  
"Ron! I love you! Madly, passionately!" She exclaimed breathlessly.  
  
"Hermione! I love you more than anything! I always had!" He returned.  
  
"Oh Ron, I was wrong!" Hermione cried joyfully. "It doesn't matter that we have nothing in common! It doesn't matter that we always fight! All that matters is that we love each other, and nothing else!"  
  
"That's right, 'Mione! We can sneak around together!" Ron said, grinning. "Oh wait, you don't like doing that," he added as an afterthought. "Well, who cares! We're in love!"  
  
"They finally did it," said Seamus, who was watching with Ginny, Dean, and Lavender. (Harry was off doing...uh, something else) "Good thing we never took the wedding decorations down."  
  
"You were right all along, Dr. Love," said Ginny with a wink. "Only fighting leads to love."  
  
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione had another fight, which ended with another steamy makeout session. Hermione gasped for breath. "Ron, I need to ask you something."  
  
"What is it, love mermaid?" Asked Ron, smoothing down his red hair.  
  
"Ron, I know we're only 15," Hermione said thoughtfully. "However, our love is so amazing and passionate, and we've been destined for this thanks to sexual tension since first year. So, Ron, will you marry me?"  
  
"Yes, Hermione, I will marry you as soon as possible! I know our love will never die!"  
  
The whole Yule Ball, including the Slytherins, broke out in cheers, happy that the destined love/hate relationship had finally turned into what they'd all expected.  
  
"How about May 25?" Asked Hermione.  
  
"No! May 24!"  
  
"May 25!"  
  
"May 24!"  
  
"May...."  
  
***  
  
"And I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Ron Weasley!" Dumbledore called at the end of fifth year. Ron and Hermione began another passionate kiss, this one also fueled by an argument they'd had during the wedding procession. The entire Hogwarts school, which included the normally bitter Snape and all the Slytherins, cheered wildly and drooled over Hermione's goddess-like beauty and Ron's red hair.  
  
A few hours later, the married couple headed back to Ron's dorm room, unable to keep their hands off each other. Harry had left them, and everyone else seemed to be still out celebrating, so they expected quite a bit of privacy. They opened Ron's door, and...  
  
"Harry?" Hermione asked, gasping in shock.  
  
"Um Harry, what are you doing naked with Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson?" asked Ron, confused.  
  
"Yeah, since you haven't hit puberty, why are you doing that?" asked Hermione.  
  
Harry grinned. "Well, you see, I realized I had to fight with someone to love them," Harry began. "I realized that Draco and I are always hurling insults each other and fighting!"  
  
"It was all sexual tension!" Draco finished. "We took the cue from you guys! Thanks, Ron and Hermione, even if you're a Weasel and a Mudblood!"  
  
"Okay, that's wonderful, but this is a Ron and Hermione romance, not a slash story," Hermione protested. Ron nodded in agreement.  
  
"Ahem," Harry said, motioning for her to stop talking. "You see, in our slash stories, you guys always somehow, inexplicably fall in love as a subplot. So we decided we'd fall in love for a subplot in your story!"  
  
Ron's face lit up. "Oh, now I get it! That makes perfect sense! But, um, what's with Pansy?"  
  
"She makes for great threesomes," Draco said in a naughty voice.  
  
Ron and Hermione looked at each other lustily, both grinning. "I think we all know what this situation means," said Hermione.  
  
"FIVESOME!" everyone cried out simultaneously.  
  
You can guess what happened next.  
  
THE END  
  
***  
  
**Short Author's note:** Well, as a believer in Harry/Hermione, I just felt like poking a little fun at Ron/Hermione and also making a tiny poke at Draco/Harry. Again, I've read and liked many wonderful R/Hr and D/H fics; this is mainly making fun of the truly bad and cliche ones. Whether you want to praise, criticize, or flame me, please leave a review!


End file.
